I am not a Lama

I am not a lama, but I try to live like a lama. Since people think of me as being a Buddhist ‘lama’, I have this name ‘lama’, then I think I should at least try to be like a lama. And you too should try to be disciples, if you are considered, or consider yourself, to be a student of Buddhism, then you should try to be a proper student, a good disciple.
Like I said, I myself am not a real lama but I have definitely relied on real lamas. I’ve sat at the feet of real lamas. Not just for one or two days, nor for just a month or two, but for many years. There was one period of about two years when I spent twenty-four hours a day living in the same shack as an authentic lama. So I can say with certainty that I have witnessed real lamas and have a good idea about what a lama is. And I can tell you that they are just as described in the texts, they don’t value worldly, mundane things. Real lamas have no worldly considerations at all.
What I saw in my retreat lama (Drupon Rinpoche Karma Sherab), when I was living in his retreat hut with him, is that other than the two or three hours he slept at night, the rest of the time he spent meditating and practising. (Considering how diligent he was etc, I’m sure he could maintain his practice while sleeping, but that was not something I could observe for myself.) He kept The Words of My Perfect Teacher open on the table in front of him, which he would read at regular in- tervals throughout the day. As he did so he would weep as his compassion or faith were stirred, depending on which section he was reading.
Such lamas have no thought of themselves, ‘I’m in pain. I’m suffering. I need to see a doctor. I need medicine. I’m old. I need help.’ I didn’t see any of that; even when his leg had to be ampu- tated because of gangrene he didn’t make a big deal about it.
I was in the presence of my root lama (Lama Senge) when he passed away. And he died laughing and joking, literally. He passed away with a smile on his face, but then inexplicably came back to life, laughed, and said, ‘Isn’t this dying thing strange? You go and then return. Come and go, come and go.’ He smiled again and then left.
Somebody like that is who I see to be a real lama; no moping or moaning; no ‘I need to go to the hospital. I need to see a doctor.’ When he knew that he was sick and would likely die, what did he do? He didn’t go to the hospital. But instead he intensified his retreat. He entered a stricter than usual one-month retreat and passed away while in that retreat. So this was how my lamas were.
But I’m such a poor student. I can’t practise the instructions my lamas gave me. I am letting the instructions go to waste and wasting my time here now. (Rinpoche starts to weep.)
I cannot say that through spending time with these lamas I came to understand the dharma, but I did come to understand what and how a lama is. And a lama has no worldly considerations what- soever. They don’t talk about worldly things, nor think about worldly things. They have no consid- eration for money, resources or finances. They have no thought of renown, tasty food, nice places to live. But that’s not what you see in most Tibetan lamas of the present day. They need and want everything. The best and the fanciest. Real lamas are satisfied with the bare minimum.
For myself, I’m attached to money and nice things as much as the next worldly person, but I try and resist because I have donned the robes of a monk. Even if I cannot be an authentic monk or lama I feel I must at least try to behave like one externally.